Much of my adult life has been shaped by my thinking, or what approximates thinking in some circumstances. While I appreciate logic, I am not always its greatest adherent. I am a fan of congruence and cohesion, but I also find delight in random, weird thoughts that introduce some serendipity in my life and humor in everyone else’s.
Many friends and colleagues are familiar with the filing system that is my brain. I have a set of pictures in there that I pull out from time to time as I need them to figure out reality. Some of the pictures are borrowed, like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Others are adaptations that I have created from the more linear research of others, like The Lewin Report to HRSA on cultural competency in the provision of health services. I developed a pyramid to illustrate the interconnectedness of the seven factors they describe. I find the illustration fosters applications that no simple list can do.
Other pictures in my mind are based on my own research, like the link between internalized oppression and oppressive systems, with commentary on finding psychological independence. For this a colleague and I took the 1954 work of Gordon Allport on prejudice, work that was later applied to lesbian and gay people by Carmen de Monteflores, and showed its relationship to internalized homophobia.
While these visual representations of ideas may put others to sleep, they enliven my thinking and bring me hope when situations feel thorny.
I also think in aphorisms, many of my own making or borrowed from long-gone friends. Some of my favorites are these:
Better late than later.
“For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.” (Mencken)
When the student is ready, a teacher will appear.
Ready, fire, aim!
You can get it good, fast, or cheap, but you cannot get all three at once.
I’m sure you believe you are right.
A great deal of my thinking is also attached to orchestral music and some choral works. Some of my regular meditations are associated with works by Elgar, Gibbons, Handel, and Schneider (with and without vocals).
Where each of these approaches to thinking — visual, verbal, and tonal — lead me is invariably to the same spot. When I was about two or three years old, I recall someone taking my picture with a Kodak Brownie box camera. I recall thinking as I was smiling into the camera that my survival depended on being a good boy who loved people despite what was delivered to me. Over the subsequent decades, my definitions of goodness and love have changed, but my decision has not. This decision has made all the difference in my life and my thinking keeps building arguments about the rightness of that decision.
Still, oddly, revealing that decision feels dangerous and embarrassing. But, as I have recently written, “Fuck it!” I turn 70 today, what do I have to lose?
There are many people whom I love and appreciate. For example, I appreciate each of these people:
Abby for scrappiness
Adam for graceful problem solving
Alex for forgiveness
Andy for courage
Angela for intelligence
Ann Jo for avantgarde leadership
Anne for artistry
Anthony for a steely core
Barb for complete dedication
Barb for commitment
Barbara for crafting life
Betsy for integrity
Blanche for integrity
Brenda for philosophy
Brett for dedication
Bill for rectitude
Brian for persistence
Bryn for social justice
Calvin for joy
Carmen for athleticism
Carmen for hospitality
Cathy for steadfastness
Cheyne for love
Chris for generosity
Christa for social justice
Christopher for tenderness
Colin for persistence
Some of them have been in my life for a few years. Others for many decades. I image that one or two on this list will wonder if I am writing about them. Most likely I am. This love stuff is hard to take, I know.
Others whom I love and appreciate are these:
Damia for complete dedication
Dave for focus
David for love
David for forgiveness
Dennis for affection
Dewaine for experimentation
Ed for integrity
Elna for social justice
Emilee for honesty
Erica for perceptiveness
Erich for awkward love
Everett for vision
Fabienne for courage
Frank for vulnerability
Gatlin for frank enthusiasm
Gerald for fatherhood
Georgia for passion
Greg for social justice
Gregg for affection
Gus for courage
Harriet for generosity
Hector for intelligence
Holly for honesty
Ingrid for integrity
Isaac for social justice
Jacob for courage
Jamaal for nurturing
James for creativity
Jan for investment
Jane for persistence
Jason for winning strategies
Jay for playfulness
Jazzy for strength
Jennifer for willingness
Jennifer for courage
Jesse for manhood
Jim for forgiveness
Jna for intellect
Joe for creativity
John for desire
John for humor
Jonathon for boundless energy
Jose for commitment
Josh for courage
Joshua for fidelity
Julie for practicality
Julie for saying no
Julio for family
Still, as I think of each of these people, I put them in the context of Elgar, remember the impact of their smiles, serious looks, and warm embraces. Those connections, of course, bring even more love and appreciation. So I think of these:
Karen for appreciation
Kate for constancy
Kathy for fierceness
Kimberly for courage
Kevin for manhood
Kofi for brotherhood
Kurt for love
Lance for leadership
Laura for order
Lauren for thriving
Leanne for partnership
Leonard for humility
Leslie for strength
Liz for confidence
LG for creativity
Libby for strategy
Linda for congruence
Linda for commitment
Lois for determination
Mandy for generosity
Margo for humor
Margo for social interest
Marian for social justice
Marilyn for joy
Mark for persistence
Martha for constancy
Martha for strength of will
Mary for integrity
Mary Ellen for passion
Mary Lynn for courage
Marybeth for diplomacy
Maureen for creativity
Michael for brotherhood
Michael for courage
Mike for sexiness
Mike for friendship
Missy for collegiality
Molly for supportiveness
Narra for intellect
Natalie for joy
Nicole for commitment
Nicole for courage
Pardeep for forgiveness
Pat for parenting
Patrick for visual learning
Patrick for beauty
Patrick for joy
Paul for beauty
Paula for intelligence
Penny for wonder
Pete for brilliance
You might expect by now I am weeping. I am. I cry tears of joy as I listen to Handel and recall the gifts I appreciate from each of these people:
Rachel for courage
Ray for forgiveness
Richard for self-discipline
Ronnie for strength
Rhena for beauty
Rose for compassion
Rudy for love
Sably for athleticism
Sally for wonder
Sandra for family
Sandy for integrity
Sara for courage
Sarah for wisdom
Scott for passion
Scott for curiosity
Shahanna for generosity
Shannon for parenting
Sharon for goodness
Shirley for joy
Shon for kindness
Steve for wisdom
Sue for intelligence
Ted for persistence
Teresa for faith
Todd for loyalty
Todd for strategy
Tom for integrity
Tracey Jo for zest
Ty for strength
Vicky for parenting
Wilhelmina for leadership
How can one man be so rich? Seventy years is too short a time to have accumulated this wealth. But it must be real. The sights, the words, the sounds — they all point to love.
Thank you for indulging me.
Beautiful, love you Gary! Happy birthday!!
LikeLike
Love you, too, Christopher! I am headed to Seattle in a couple of weeks and already sniffling because you are so far away.
LikeLike
I remember vividly when you were facilitating an employee retreat based on the results of an environmental survey. We were breaking for lunch after a fairly polite and withholding morning. You “simply” wrote on the newsprint SLAVES LOVE THEIR CHAINS. It was a reality gut punch for me and I have never forgotten it. Often I have recounted the moment to friends feeling oppressed and trapped. Thank you for that moment and so many more❤️
LikeLike
Yes, that aphorism by Frederick Douglas stays with me still. I sometimes reflect on how that is true of the places where my mind is enslaved by gay oppression and racism.
LikeLike
I just finished this lovely piece and all I can say is, I love you.
LikeLike
There is nothing I would rather hear from you. I love you, too, dear Paula.
LikeLike